How my marriage is stronger after having a baby

I don’t have to tell you guys that pregnancy and a baby puts a whole lot of pressure on a marriage. The hormones, the late nights, the lack of intimacy and the irritation don’t really make for a romantic 9 months.

Somehow, you both have this “idea” in hour head that once the baby is here, it would be better, intimacy will be easier because you will feel more comfortable and better about your body. (Ha right?!).

It actually gets harder once the baby is there, your husband tends to feel neglected because he now has to share you with this tiny little baby that always needs you, and when that baby finally goes to sleep, you are exhausted, you don’t feel like putting on sexy lingerie and being sexy.

It takes time, it takes time to get used to the little sleep, it takes time to find out who you are again once you become a mother, you change, your priorities change and your outlook on life changes, and so does the dynamic of your relationship with your partner.

The key is to be patient with one another, both of you needs to find how things are going to work, fathers also feel like they cant do what they used to do because they now have a family, just like moms feel like they have no time to themselves anymore. In my case, this “role confusion” caused a lot of friction in our marriage, we took the frustration out on one another and fought all the time; the slightest thing set us off and we ended up fighting about something that happened years ago.

The point is that any high pressure situation causes fights, and a having a child is like an endless amount of high pressure situations, you just need to find your way around it. We are much more patient with each other now, and we give each other space when we need it, and we don’t take stress out on each other anymore (well most of the time, we’re only human).

Our relationship is just stronger, having gone through the sleepless nights together (well mostly) and the insecurities as parents; have just brought us closer together, seeing your partner with your child does something to your heart, it warms it and melts it at the same time.

It honestly is an amazing journey, it breaks and rebuilds you as a person and as a couple.

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Why it is So Easy to Forget About Your Marriage with a New Baby

Being a mother takes up so much of you , and I didn’t say time , because its more than that , it takes so much emotion and worrying and constant doubting yourself its emotionally draining and so rewarding at the same time ! Its the most beautiful thing in the world ! 🌸

What I tend to forget is that my husband needs to fit in there somewhere, I am so lucky to have a husband that adores me and that craves my attention and actually wants to spend time with me, yet it seems so difficult some days to make time for him as well.

At the end of the day I am so exhausted and drained , especially when she has been difficult, so the moment she goes to bed it feels like I can breathe and take some time for myself and gather my thoughts and recharge for the next day , but the reality is that this is the time I am supposed to spend on my marriage !

Starting a family is life changing , mostly in good ways and little feet bring so much joy into a home, but we tend to overlook how difficult it is for men , I see it in my husband , he does not get the attention he used to , it used to be the two of us against the world ! He loves our daughter dearly , but we always talk about how difficult it is for moms to adapt and forget about the dads.

This has been such a learning curve , for both of us , and I just realized that spending time on your marriage even if you feel dead on your feet is vital, in the end your children leave home and you only have each other , don’t drift apart, all relationships are hard but as long as you stick together through the tough times, the good times are even sweeter !

Angelique

Lets Have The Talk | Post Baby Sex

Talking about sex in general is so uncomfortable for most of us, especially post baby sex.

My husband and I never had any problems in this area until I got pregnant ….

Let me set the background for you ; I was HUGE !!!!! Everything and I mean everything, was swollen , I was uncomfortable , I couldn’t even find a comfortable position to sleep in , so needless to say my usual flexibility was something of the past 🤣

I was also quite moody (although if you ask my husband he would debate the “quite” part) so being intimate was the last thing on my mind and being touched while 7 months pregnant in a 46 degree South African summer was out of the question !

Needless to say we got through this phase with humor and we are even closer for going through this time in our marriage.

Then came our beautiful baby girl , and we were naive enough to believe that our sex life would soon go back to normal , boy were we wrong !

I had a c section so the usual 6 weeks applied before any intimacy, it goes without saying that the first time was everything but sexy 🙈

The weeks that followed came with such hectic baby blues and was just an emotional roller coaster for both of us , being new parents is so much harder than you ever thought it would be, no one can prepare you for it , even if you try mentally before the time , it just does not prepare you for the amount of love and the overwhelming feeling of looking after this tiny baby.

Now, almost 6 months later everything is back to normal , the amount of pressure a baby puts on a marriage is rarely talked about , 2 am crying will most certainly make you turn on each other!!

The good news is that everything goes back to normal , and even better than before , you and your partner get to know each other and get to see a whole new side, some of it bad , but all of it building blocks for a stronger relationship 💜

Being parents is the biggest blessing in the world and seeing your partner with your baby is just the most amazing sight you will ever get to see.

Angelique

Insecurities – We All Have Baggage

I know we all think that we have recovered from our past , and learned from all the things that we went through as children or even in our twenties , and we always swear that we would never transfer those issues into our marriages or onto our children .

The fact of the matter is , that although we don’t necessarily make the same mistakes as our parents did with us , we still tend to take that baggage into parenthood and our relationships with us.

In my experience I have issues left over from my parent’s divorce and my parents in general , and off course I don’t want my child to go through that disappointment and want to be there for my child no matter what is going on with me personally , I want her to know that she is loved at all times, and that she has a person in any situation- me ! 💜

Unfortunately, I tend to now take this too far , I am so sensitive toward other peoples comments about how I am raising my child , it immediately feels like they are attacking me , and judging me as a mother .

I constantly doubt myself because I am trying so hard to be this perfect mother and to do thing differently with her.

Insecurities start to form this way , and we put them on other people subconsciously, we don’t mean to , but we tend to blame other for past issues.

What is amazing is that we have the power to stop this cycle and break it , to start new and love forward !

Here’s to the future , and to being better and learning and growing with every step we take.

Angelique

Hard Days Are For Growth

Today I am just so emotional and emotionally drained .

My baby girl refused to nap today , she only had 3 20 minute naps in her pram , the WHOLE DAY ! And she is not even 5 months yet , when I put her in her bed she screamed uncontrollably!

Its heartbreaking to say the least , it touches my soul , there is just no other way to explain it , my hands have been sweating the whole day , I’ve cried 3 times already , and then my husband tells me I am uptight today (men right)

But seriously , how intense is this love ? I have always heard that when your child hurts , you hurt , but have never experienced it myself yet , until today that is , everything is just out of wack , I don’t feel like myself , I want to cry all the time !

But I know tomorrow will be better !

Thank goodness I have a blog so that I can offload on all you great listeners 🧡

Angelique

Sleep Training Day/Night One …. Kill Me Now !

Okay so you guys read my post on sleep training and getting a sleep consultant about a week ago , and we did , we had our skype meeting with her and she is lovely , I honestly believe that this whole process will work and am quite excited for the end results.

That being said, wow ! What a first night , chaos chaos chaos and then some crying; is basically how I would describe our first night.

In short we had to change the following;

  • Take her dummy away because she associates it with sleep , and wakes up in the middle of the night and needs it to fall back asleep (wow you feel like a bad mom when hearing this, because I was the one that kept forcing the dummy on her when she must sleep and never let her suck her hand or self soothe EVER)
  • Change her bedtime to later – which basically changes her whole routine and you can only imagine how intense that is for a 5 month old
  • Feed her outside her room
  • Have bedtime routine at all naps (read her a story sing, massage) (whatever works for you)

This whole process so far has been so amazing and so helpful and its only day one, in my marriage as well, when there are two parents that are equally involved in raising your baby , things tend to get a bit heated when you disagree on something when it comes to her.

So having a third party tel us how to fix it and how to go about changing things so that Paige can sleep better, really helps, and we don’t fight about anything because it is not our personal opinions that come into play.

Just to put it out there – this sleep training that we are doing does not involve “letting your baby cry it out” or leaving the room while she is crying at any point , but it does involve crying , but we pick her up and comfort her and then put her back down in order to teach her how to fall asleep by herself!

The first day has been intense , and I am sure that we will still have a few obstacles to overcome in the coming week or two , but today I am positive that we will make it through this 🙂

Angelique

Set A Guard Over Your Mouth …

This to me is the most important thing in life ! And in any type of relationship , whether it be you and your husband in a fight or you and the stranger you met in the supermarket ! Actually , especially strangers , or people that you are not so close to !

The reason I say this is because people that don’t know you well don’t know how you mean the things you say , you mights say to the woman in the supermarket “wow your baby is so chunky” – meaning that you think it is the cutest thing under the sun , meanwhile that woman has struggled with weight all her life and is already scared that she is passing it on to her baby girl …..

That is just one example , I myself have carried things said to me by people that don’t even play a big part in my life , and because of that , I never say anything that can be taken out of context to anyone I cant explain myself to afterward !

And I think we should all do this , especially with new mothers , the hormones are flying high, the stress , the lack of sleep , it just is such an emotional time , and we should all remember that , and apply it in all areas of our lives !

Be Kind

Angelique